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Helping Hand: Local counsellor makes a difference in women's lives...
In-Focus, July 2006
Enthusiasm and passion seems to pour out of the compact dark-haired
young woman sitting in the big easy chair. Easy, however, does
not describe her job, but Esther Kane is determined to make a difference
in the lives of women.
Kane, who moved to the Comox Valley three years ago and opened
a private counselling practise, views herself as a social activist.
Just as some people dedicate their actions to saving the environment
and act as advocates on its behalf, Kane, 35, sees herself as a
crusader for women.
"I hope that the crusade I'm on will benefit future generations," she
says, smiling. "We are impoverished emotionally and we need
a lot of help. Just being a woman and experiencing all I've gone
through and survived, I can use that experience and knowledge to
try to help others. I've had to do a lot of soul-searching myself,
and it still goes on because of the work I'm involved in. Whenever
I realise that I'm stuck with a client, I have to examine what's
going on in myself. I'm continually having to delve inwards and
work through my own issues if I'm to be of any use to my clients."
As a young woman, Kane suffered from a serious eating disorder.
She realized then that education was the key to empowerment and
healing. 'Why did I get this problem at this time in my life' is
a pivotal question, and she feels we need to look at the larger
systems outside of ourselves for answers. Kane began to question
how Jewish women were given messages about food and eating. What
had they been taught about food, eating and who they were that
led so many into dangerous eating disorders? This questioning later
led to the topic for her Masters' Degree- Jewish
women and body image.
Kane's counselling practise embraces many of the ideas put forth
by Dr. Murray Bowen, a psychiatrist who worked with patients suffering
from schizophrenia and noticed that when their families visited,
the patients became worse and their symptoms were alleviated when
the families left. This was in the 1940's when psychiatry was still
a fairly new science. Bowen's approach was to admit the whole family
to the hospital and work with them all; not just the 'identified
patient'.
"We don't exist in isolation to everything and everyone else," says
Kane. "I know for myself I had to look at my own family when
I was trying to unravel my problems. I was born into a Jewish family;
my grandparents survived the Holocaust; we have known persecution.
I can delve inside myself within the context of where I have come
from, my history, what we went through. I realised that all these
things were handed down to me in a multi-generational way, through
my family and my culture.
"As a social worker, I've been trained to think in cycles-everything
and everyone is connected," she adds. "There's a difference
between being an individual and a part of a community. It's like
the approach to the environment- if you are an individual, you
can just plunder the world for what you want. You don't have to
see connections to the whole."
Kane likewise not only works with an individual client, she invites
in her client's community as they define it- family, friends, colleagues-
and works with their help. Kane specializes in working with women
who struggle with disordered eating, depression and anxiety, and
relationship problems. She also offers workshops through the Courtenay
Recreation Association that focus on healing from disordered eating
and women's empowerment.
"My main reason for working with women is that I'm a woman
and I'm also on my own journey," she says. "I can't pretend
to know how men see the world. I have a passion for women and I
see my process is to help us be all we can be. It just makes me
angry that so many women beat themselves up over the problems in
their lives. I think feminism has only come so far- we still have
a long way to go."
She pauses. "It gives me so much hope and encouragement to
see fathers today joyously being part of their children's lives,
in all aspects," Kane adds. "Research shows that happy
unions are those where both people feel equal and valued; where
needs are shared. Co-parenting allows a couple to each have some
work outside the home without being completely overwhelmed by the
monumental job of parenting, cleaning, and cooking. In my mother's
time, she was expected to do it all- as were most women."
On the same topic, Kane professes to despise the polarization of
men and women. She has an aversion to the theories of 'men are
from Mars, women are from Venus.' "We have far more in common
than we are different as far as I'm concerned," she says,
grinning. "What makes us different is the socialization process."
While studying for her Masters in Social Work at UBC, Kane steeped
herself in that very process of socialization through her research
on Jewish Women and Body Image, which was subsequently published
in the Journal of Collaborative Therapies.
"My mother and I did lots of therapy together," Kane
says. "And we are always working at our relationship. My mother
is very expressive-doesn't take any guff from anyone. She's 60
years old now and was 24 when she had me. Then you had to be the
perfect mother, wife, have a career and you could never do it all
right. For example, I have chosen to not have children. Every woman
I interviewed for my book, What Your Mama
Can't or Won't Teach You, assumed that they got married and had children. Now women
my age are seeing the costs and benefits of striving to do it all.
I think men are enslaved too, although I think the new generation
of men is putting more thought into raising boys and girls. It's
not enough to just say 'men are the problem'. I am married to a
wonderful man. I think the main problem we all suffer from is bad
training."
Kane reflects for a moment before continuing. "I do think
that things are easier, working with young women, I see a change.
Many of us have clearer visions of womanhood from our mothers and
grandmothers. I have to think that with each generation there's
new wisdom. What our parents didn't get right, we might get right.
"I am very conscious that although I don't want children myself,
I am really aware of why," she adds. "I think raising
children is a gargantuan job and the most difficult thing anyone
can do. I think all women want to nurture, it's a female thing
and I think of my work as being nurturing- it's on a global level."
For Kane, breaking out of stereotypical roles for both boys and
girls is what brings healthy change. "Boys are brought up
to be tough, not cry, hide their feelings, and then their wives
want them to share their feelings!"
She laughs and shakes here head. "Even as I'm saying these
things, I hear a voice that says 'Oh, don't say that- it's too
harsh.' I think we need to care less what other people think of
us. Men seem to be raised to not care about that so much- we could
learn from them. As women, we are taught to be more compassionate,
not to fight for the prize- men could learn from that. My husband
Nathaniel is my best friend- we both have interesting careers and
enjoy coming together to share that. Nathaniel was raised to cook
for himself because his mom went back to school. My experience
of working with people is that rigid sex roles get people into
trouble- the more flexibility there is the better."
Kane recently won an award under the Health category in the Vancouver
Island Top 40 Under 40 competition sponsored by the Times
Colonist. "It
was wonderful to have my work acknowledged," she says with
a smile. "My working life hasn't been easy and I thought lots
of times of quitting as a therapist, so it's great to be acknowledged.
There are so many young people doing neat things, it was fun to
be part of it all."
Much of Kane's work deals with mothers and daughters. "There's
so much mother-bashing in this culture," says Kane, who helps
them learn to relate to each other as two women, not just as mother
and daughter. "It's so difficult to be a mother. I think women
are so courageous and brave. I feel privileged to work with so
many women and I learn so much from them. I think it's an incredible
position to be in, to be a therapist. It's like getting pearls
of wisdom every day."
The key for her is taking care of oneself- emotionally and physically. "It's
been my hardest struggle," she says frankly. "Self-care
is so vital. The hardest thing for me as a therapist is when a
client is really ill and dies of an eating disorder. That's really
hard to watch.
Although she has a deep understanding of emotional problems and
issues, she does not see that sticking a label on someone is especially
helpful. "I just don't buy into it that so many women have
all of these problems. Why does she have these problems in the
first place? Why does she not want to eat, or binge and purge?
I look at patriarchy and see the society we have created, what
messages we get as women and men. It tells us what is valuable,
how we should act, and as far as I'm concerned, serves neither
gender very well."
Kane is also very honest about her own path. "I have had one
trauma after another in my own life- healing is like peeling an
onion," she says. What I have learned is that we all suffer,
we are all too hard on ourselves, we all beat ourselves up too
much. I try to be a role model. I feel like I am always parachuting
out of a plane- I am always throwing myself into my fears. I think
if I don't see that I am great- and say so- how can I expect other
women to do the same? I take chances and speak out. Being true
to yourself and not wearing a mask and being someone less so that
others will like you is key. You know what? You can't control what
other people think and say about you. It's quite liberating actually.
I think women get trapped by trying to be what we think others
want us to be."
This includes helping to alleviate guilt. "I believe you can
die from guilt, it's so pernicious," she says. "Guilt
and shame- they are the real enemies; they are so pointless and
unnecessary. I see therapy as preventative medicine and think it
should be paid for by the government as part of our tax money.
I think everyone can benefit from getting the help and healing
they need. Therapy saved my life, and I think it's an incredible
thing to have an objective person there to accept you as you are
and just listen without judgment."
"Therapy is also losing the stigma that it used to have attached
to it. How is it not helpful to go to someone and get rid of the
shame about so many things in our lives? It takes the weight off.
It is about choice, not being a victim, owning whatever is yours
and then deciding to do it differently. I help women to deal with
their feelings- if there is anger, let it manifest in ways that
don't hurt themselves or others, but let it out. I think so many
eating disorders and addictions are the result of inner anger-
we turn it in on ourselves and there are better ways of dealing
with anger."
A believer in solutions, Kane maintains that there is not a relationship
that cannot be healed if the parties are willing. "I've seen
miracles" she says matter-of-factly. "Family members
who had been estranged for years, relationships where there was
so much pain and conflict. If the parties are willing to work through
it, they can."
In 2004 to 2005 Kane interviewed over 20 women between the ages
of 20 and 80 about their experience in teenhood and what they have
learned since then. Her book, What Your Mama
Can't or Won't Teach You is the result. On a plane back to
her hometown of Toronto in 2006 Kane started writing Dump That
Chump, a self-help workbook
for women to rid themselves of unsatisfactory relationships and
attract their ideal mate. Esther's books are available at: www.guidebooktowomanhood.com and
www.dumpthatchump.com.
At only 35, Kane's work with women is receiving national attention.
She was recently interviewed by Glow Magazine about women's intuition
and a future publication will feature Kane on why women choose
toxic relationships.
"I feel completely blessed in my life," says Kane. "I
have a fantastic marriage, marvelous friends and a loving and supportive
family. And I get to help others through my work- not a bad package
at all."
To book a session or to set up a free 15-minute phone consultation,
phone Esther at 338-1800.
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